Becoming and Belonging
One of my massage therapy clients gave me a compliment that I’ve heard before, but for some reason it hit me deeper this time. I feel that is because of the inner work I have been doing. He texted me after his first session, “I feel some sort of connection and feel comforted by your presence.” He followed that with, “Hopefully that’s not awkward.” It stirred my emotions. I explained to him that it was the opposite of awkward and that it was a very touching compliment. I told him that I grew up feeling forsaken, and I discovered my purpose in this life is to create the opposite of that for the people in my presence. It is my daily intention to create a sense of peace, joy and belonging for the people with which I interact.
A few years ago I was watching a Teal Swan episode, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN16ubqbJUA ) on how to find your purpose by finding the core negative imprint of one’s childhood. I took the time to actually do the exercise she guides you through and I found myself as a child feeling helpless, without protection, unwanted, rejected, and abandoned. Three year old me, made that emotional experience mean that I was on my own in this world and could only depend on myself and I created that as a core belief and held it as such until about a year ago when an acquaintance facilitated me through changing my perspective in that moment to see the full picture logically as an adult is able, more so of course than a three year old child. I realized that I was in no real danger and I was loved, just not in the way I needed to be in that moment. I used Inner Child re-Parenting to reprogram my unhealthy core belief, and that action began a repairing of it’s damage to my behavioral patterns and energy signature.
It’s so interesting to me how life’s lessons spiral back to you and you can go deeper into the lesson. Within this year I had a dream in which I was entering a hotel conference room. There was to be a group therapy session I think, because there were several chairs arranged in a large circle. When I first saw the chairs from the entrance to the room, there was no one in the room yet. I approached the chairs to take a seat and as I did suddenly all the seats were occupied. I couldn’t find an empty seat, so I went in search of a chair. I glanced around the room and there were no extra chairs. I remember thinking, “this was poorly planned, I mean there should be enough seats for the attendees.” There was no one to ask for help in finding a chair either. So I left that room to explore for a chair. The next room was furnished but no chairs, and the next was even less furnished, no chairs. As I opened and closed multiple doors to multiple rooms, each room was progressively disheveled and unkept with furniture pushed to the side or messes on the floor and walls, the last room was horribly filthy and I was disgusted by it, still no chair. I felt defeated, rejected, as if there were no place for me to sit in the whole world. I felt forsaken, and then I woke up.
I made a dream board soon after that, at an event my health coach held in a community room at a nearby park. I was the only one that filled my board. I was clear on what I wanted. Among other things, it included a post-it that read, “I am giving AND receiving love and belonging.” I wrote “and” in all caps because I was well versed at giving love and belonging, but I was unfamiliar with allowing it into my experience. I also had a picture of a group of people of all different cultures dressed in white holding candles and walking together down a cobblestone street in the night. It was my representation of people willing to collaborate with me going in the same direction. Once your blocks are removed you really have to be ready for what is to come.
October, 2021 I found my collaborators. A gigantic smile is spread over my face while I am typing this, and my heart is blossoming, as I choke up with gratitude. I found 7 people willing to co-create a shared vision which we are all passionate to bring into reality. It is a glorious feeling to be in the presence of others who recognize your value, who encourage you, and who accept you as you are, without the need of dimming your light. We continue to discover synchronicities and common goals, we are sharing information, (without eye rolls, condescending tones, or the comment, “you’re weird,”) sharing our stories, and diverse, AMAZING talents as we get to know each other. We’ve had a few Zoom meetings that go late into the wee hours of the morning, and although some of us are fighting ourselves to allow this love in, I feel we all have been looking for a chair in the room in which we feel belonging. Of those 7 people, I have deepened my connection with three, and each one of them represents an aspect of myself from whom I am now willing to learn; The Visionary, The Innocent, The Queen. By allowing this shift in my experience, and by that I mean allowing the receiving of love and belonging into my reality (by these seeming strangers), I can see how it has rippled into my familial life. So far my relationships with my father, my mother and my oldest sister have been much enriched. I have lost the tendency to show up with a wall around myself in self protection, and to feel into their perspectives before I make a conclusion about what our interactions mean to me. I have perforated my own defenses to let their love in, and am so grateful for their patience with me. A dear client of mine guided me by advising specifically with my mother, but it applies to any interaction. She said, “Before you spend time with your mother, intend it will be a pleasant, loving, visit. Envision it, and you will create it.” And I can report, it works!!! Every time. With simply becoming clear on my intention and the result I want, I have opened my heart during these moments and the love that I am experiencing is sometimes overwhelming. Circumstances most would classify as failure, created an opportunity for me to come to know my sister, and her family, so incredibly deeply in the past few months that I grieve the years I allowed to pass without her sweet, beautiful soul closer to mine.
I can feel my beacon of light changing frequency, recalibrating, calling to me like-minded and like-hearted people, I see the evidence already. I can feel the momentum of all of us becoming our highest and best selves, together as a family, once strangers, and I am expecting more of these connections as our collective love causes myriad ripple effects out into the world. I am eager to welcome new friendships, make memories and celebrate victories with these wonder-filled humans. I found that there are many chairs just waiting for me.
